Lonerism (2004 - 2016)

I always been that kid where i would sit somewhere lonely and watch my schoolmates play during recess. As time goes by i kinda get used to being lonely, quiet and anti social. I was never fond of meeting new people at that point in time. I was too afraid to approach people, working together in a team. I was that lonely.

As i progress forward making my way to secondary school education, I eventually start to realize that socializing with people is a good factor in life which so far i have struggled to do so. Yes i have made plenty of friends even that are closest to me now yet i have lost more than enough i could have taken. I am still getting used to talking to new people, i never was confident like people say i was. They see confidence in me because i could lead a team, but truthfully, that wasn't me. it wasn't at all. It was just a mask i decide to place on myself when i am out of the house since i was 13.

Then came my post secondary education where i made tons of friends, my first true lover, my first true heartbreak and my first ever huge relapse where i would stand by the road, up the rooftops, walking to abyss, absolutely nowhere. I came to realize that this mask took a toll on me, one that i have used too many times. Smiling, being happy, interacting with people, i never have found myself. All this while i have faked everyone by being happy when in actual fact i am just some lonely guy who thinks he is fine when his not.

I am not fine at all when 24/7 i am receiving hate from people, some who I dont even know off. Even things that i did not do they would still feed me anger and fear. Involving my suicidal thoughts to the fray. I can never accept that. Especially when that person is supposed to be from a better educational Institute yet he throws shades at people like me who cant control our emotions and are feeling insecure 24/7 to be, Losers.

i can never forget this. At this moment, the urge to jump and say my goodbyes was at an all time high. Sending and posting an open letter to everyone to know that i have appreciated all of their deeds. My teachers my friends, from far distances came down to my house, to reach out to me and stop what ever i was doing. I cant thank them enough.


Because of them, Right now I am slowly learning how to love myself more, learn how to find my self identity, learn how to really be me and not be someone else. With motivation from others even friends i just got to know of, it changes me a a lot and i appreciate each and everyone of you in my life. 

But for now,

I am still trying to figure out the puzzle

the puzzle in being ME