2 Years,

It's been 2 years already? Time does travel fast. It feels like as if it was just yesterday we were talking about games and over sized outfits of you. The dreams of having high distinctions. You wanting to own a clinic to help the sick and weird enough do experiments on yourself (You're weird but I love it).

Constantly sending messages to each other 3,912 km apart from each other. Sending mails and parcels of your favourite items. From pens, shirts and even shawls, I do hope you still keep them close to your heart.

I've made many mistakes. It was obviously an illusion cause there’s never been so much I’ve been wrong about. I never realise the pain I've caused you till the day you let it all out. Oh gosh I wish I didn't. It felt like for once you wanted to give a chance in love, on me, but not now. It sound as if I ruined it all. I'm sorry, god I'm so sorry.

Even after everything my heart is just too deeply in love with you, I still do. I just can't stop missing you.

Every night I still do think of you, still check up on you, still wanting, craving for that love we had during the early days. I still keep pictures of you, pictures of us. If I have to prove myself again I shall. Like promise, I'm still supporting you always. 

Like promise, I love you and I'll still wait for you. 

Forever.

And as the years go by
Your name will fade out gradually
They’ll think my heart won’t try
But it was waiting in the wings
And as the years go by
You’re still a banished memory
They’ll say my love has died
But it was waiting in the wings

-Tame Impala - List of People (To Try and Forget About)

Distance, gosh i hate that it plays apart here. Its been a year now since I felt this way. Nothing has change to be honest. The sight of you still brings a smile to my face, to hear your voice at times gives me goosebumps. Seeing you all dressed up from just jeans and sweaters to trying out dresses in the store will never ever stop me from giving me butterflies in my stomach.

To gain her trust, her friendship and supporting her throughout the year was never easy, especially from a far distance. To wait for her replies as she studies throughout the day could worry me at times and make me wonder "is there anyone else?". That wasn't the case at all, it was just negative thoughts over and over again. 

Who would have a thought in just a year, a lot of things have change. Different people, different faces. Different types of people, different types of disappointments. Yet I still see her being strong and independent, still smiling and being positive which really tells me how self love is crucial to everyday life.

All the pain, all the tears

Many nights, many years

I'll always wait for you

And to try my best to guide you through

Trust me when I say you're my pride and joy, even from a distance.

I hope you've appreciate everything i've done so far.

Like i promise, i'm still here, waiting for you

Always.

They lied. Its come to the term where i call it a Habit. Every night my mind will start clouding with thoughts of every single negative part of my life. Anxiety starts building up for the future. Saying to myself i shouldn't be doing this, I shouldn't be here at all,living,breathing.

It takes time for me too cool down, to get some needed sleep, to ease my mind from starting to make decisions that could be fatal. Its a repetitive order and I'm getting sick and tired of it. Turns out as time goes by, Sleep may be the only thing now i'm craving for. I don't get sleep no more.

My mind can either go in a depressive state or a creative mood where i would think of so many ideas to put in the upcoming projects. That can take a heavy toll as well. It can corrupt me, with many unpleasant things. Things i wouldn't want to do, at all. Creativity kills the artist right?

I'm sleep deprived with so many thoughts and ideas. Is it good to be filled with plenty of ideas? or is it best to keep myself in a dark path where no one can reach out to me? A different route for a change.

So please Allah SWT i beg of you. Let me be at ease, let me have my needed rest. I have many things left in this world to do but my mind just cant take it anymore. Take me will you?

As days past, I just can't seemingly forget every small detail of her. From the first time we talked, We met, we struggled, we cared for each other, I knew she is the girl i have been finding all this while. Many have come and go, few stayed. I still clinch on to my phone 24/7 expecting a text from you till this day. We made the decision that it is best if we stayed as friends. We tried to make the jump to be together but She felt i'm better off with someone worthy. Unlike others, i tend to not leave someone i like that easily, it took me half a year to forget someone i truly love before you and now here i am experiencing it again. Its a habit of me, some sort of a Bad Religion that i follow.

This unrequited love, it has all been just a one man cult. Where i would love someone knowing that she doesn't have the same affection towards me. Yes we started off with a good start, getting to know each other more as time goes by. We grow fond of each other so fast it was just like a dream come true.

Now the landscape has changed. We dont talk often anymore yet we want the best for each other, to succeed in our education and be happy. Everytime I pray that she would find someone who can make her smile, laugh and stay with her through the bad times but so far, All I've seen are just the worst people out there, Coming in and then leaving her as if her heart is a hotel. Some stayed, but behind those mask there wear. are mostly lies when their dm's are filled with him trying to hit on another. Worse of all there is proof of them doing it.

It could be jealousy or fear when i see what they are doing. I cant just stop myself from looking at her from a far. Being there for her all the time, checking up with her and making sure she is happy because that is all i wanted to hear.

I try my best till this day to keep reminding myself that we no longer have any affection towards each other and that we are just better off to be friends but, a small part of me in my heart even after everything is whispering to me to "Stay". I guess what she said to me was right after all. My love has never been temporary.

I know i cant be the dream prince that you want as a future husband, the father to your kids, the one who can bring u happiness always but i know for a fact that, Through every ups and downs, every struggle i face, i will never ever give up on love and always try to do what you always told me to be, being myself. You saw everything what happen through the year yet i still stay, I guess this fighting spirit hasn't die out and it doesnt plan too yet.

Fate could bring us anywhere. We could either stay where we are at now as friends or we could push it further. For now i accept where we are and if you see this i hope it doesnt change a thing. Seeing you smile being happy with life right now makes my heart feel at warmth. If you are sad, always know im right here with you, i'll hear u out even if you are at the peak of madness i'll stay calm and let you get rid of the bad vibes inside you. Always know you are never alone okay? you have me, you have your friends. We are friends after all, we stay for each other.

With that being said always know a part of me is and will always be open for you for,

My Fellow Sailor Moon Princess

Because

Only a Bad Religion could have me feeling the way I do

&

It has only been towards you

A place in your heart where i can be there to fix up all the broken parts of your heart whenever someone decided to break it. Knowing the intentions of people on the internet not to befriend you but to be more than friends, yet you somehow in someway managed to talk to them making them feel as if being friends is the better option. I always admire you for not falling for someone so easily and feeding them hopes every single day know there is a limit. You know when and how to approach people in need, Knowing how to differentiate between what you need and what you want, Who you prioritize more then the other and know when to spend time on education and your friends. You have taught me a lot about Self Control. Getting to know you made me open my eyes to many things, Opening up doors to many paths in my life. The main motivation to my studies. My Fellow Tea Lover

Just know i am always here for you just because

You being you, is what made me to love myself more

I Cant thank you enough for that

My Fellow Australian

I always been that kid where i would sit somewhere lonely and watch my schoolmates play during recess. As time goes by i kinda get used to being lonely, quiet and anti social. I was never fond of meeting new people at that point in time. I was too afraid to approach people, working together in a team. I was that lonely.

As i progress forward making my way to secondary school education, I eventually start to realize that socializing with people is a good factor in life which so far i have struggled to do so. Yes i have made plenty of friends even that are closest to me now yet i have lost more than enough i could have taken. I am still getting used to talking to new people, i never was confident like people say i was. They see confidence in me because i could lead a team, but truthfully, that wasn't me. it wasn't at all. It was just a mask i decide to place on myself when i am out of the house since i was 13.

Then came my post secondary education where i made tons of friends, my first true lover, my first true heartbreak and my first ever huge relapse where i would stand by the road, up the rooftops, walking to abyss, absolutely nowhere. I came to realize that this mask took a toll on me, one that i have used too many times. Smiling, being happy, interacting with people, i never have found myself. All this while i have faked everyone by being happy when in actual fact i am just some lonely guy who thinks he is fine when his not.

I am not fine at all when 24/7 i am receiving hate from people, some who I dont even know off. Even things that i did not do they would still feed me anger and fear. Involving my suicidal thoughts to the fray. I can never accept that. Especially when that person is supposed to be from a better educational Institute yet he throws shades at people like me who cant control our emotions and are feeling insecure 24/7 to be, Losers.

i can never forget this. At this moment, the urge to jump and say my goodbyes was at an all time high. Sending and posting an open letter to everyone to know that i have appreciated all of their deeds. My teachers my friends, from far distances came down to my house, to reach out to me and stop what ever i was doing. I cant thank them enough.


Because of them, Right now I am slowly learning how to love myself more, learn how to find my self identity, learn how to really be me and not be someone else. With motivation from others even friends i just got to know of, it changes me a a lot and i appreciate each and everyone of you in my life. 

But for now,

I am still trying to figure out the puzzle

the puzzle in being ME